Mothering vs Motherhood
Hello! In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about the language of motherhood. Because how we talk about motherhood shapes our society’s expectations around what it means to be a mother, and especially what it means to be a GOOD mother. The stories and words we use can either empower mothers or limit them, they can influence social policies and support systems positively or negatively, and impact the overall well-being of mothers, children, and communities. Talking about mothers and motherhood is complicated and nuanced, because let’s face it, there is a lot of cultural weight on the word mother, and motherhood itself touches on issues of gender, race, class, location, ability and more.
I have to be honest, I often struggle to find the right words when I’m talking about motherhood. I try to be extra conscious that I’m not using terms or language that is overgeneralizing, exclusionary, or reinforces gender or racial stereotypes about mothering. I’m also keenly aware that for women who love mothering and find purpose and affirmation in their role as a mother, decades of feminist critiques of motherhood really alienated these women from the feminist movement. When I talk about the act of mothering as an empowering opportunity for liberation, I do so to validate and uplift mothers and give them the respect and power they deserve after centuries of systemic misogyny… but I also have to be careful of going too far so that I’m not romanticizing mothering or drawing on sexist stereotypes about the woman’s role within the home. I want to talk about how awesome and life-changing the process of birth and breastfeeding can be, but I don’t want to make exclusionary or biologically essentialist claims. I want to elevate mothering at the same time that I want to encourage fathers to take on a more active role in child care, AND I want to use inclusive language so everyone who is birthing and/or raising children feels seen, AND I want to restructure society as a whole so that child care is a communal activity, not limited to the nuclear family.
So yeah, it’s hard to clearly articulate the nuances of all of that when I talk about mothers.
Because there is not one single definition of what it means to mother a child, and there are not unanimously shared values among all mothers. But anyone who works with mothers, studies or writes about motherhood or gender, or participates in public policy that affects families needs to have a clear understanding of the language surrounding motherhood because having a shared vocabulary means we’re all on the same page about what we’re actually trying to say. It allows us to distinguish between different mothering experiences, and clarifies that there is not one universal experience of motherhood.
So let’s start by doing a deep dive on the word mother.
Mother is a fun one because it’s both a noun AND a verb! Let’s address the noun first - who is a mother? I consider a mother to be anyone who takes on the work of nurturing, loving and raising a child, AND who identifies with the word mother, regardless of gender or biological relationship to the child. Mothers are created through pregnancy, childbirth, adoption, step-mothering, surrogacy, and loss.
Let’s take a look at some common cultural expectations around the word mother? What do we think BEING a mother means?
I asked chatgpt to give me a list of 10 attributes that all mothers share. Since ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence program trained to pull from billions of points of data across the internet, including books, articles, websites and social media, I thought this was helpful to see some of the common perceptions we have about mothers. This is what i got back, these are 10 common attributes that mothers share, according to AI, and I’ll also post these in the shownotes:
1. Unconditional Love: Most mothers love their children unconditionally, providing a deep and enduring love regardless of circumstances.
2. Nurturing: Mothers often have a natural instinct to nurture and care for their children's physical, emotional, and psychological needs.
3. Protective: Mothers tend to be protective of their children, ensuring their safety and well-being.
4. Selflessness: Many mothers prioritize their children's needs above their own, often making sacrifices to support their children.
5. Patience: Parenting can be challenging, but many mothers develop patience and resilience in dealing with the ups and downs of child-rearing.
6. Empathy: Mothers often possess a strong sense of empathy, allowing them to understand and connect with their children's emotions.
7. Supportive: They provide emotional and practical support to help their children grow, learn, and achieve their goals.
8. Teaching and Guiding: Mothers play a crucial role in teaching their children important life skills and values, guiding them as they navigate the world.
9. Multitasking: Juggling various responsibilities, mothers often excel at multitasking to manage household tasks, childcare, and other commitments.
10. Adaptability: Motherhood requires adaptability as children grow and change, requiring mothers to adjust their parenting style to meet evolving needs.
Then I asked ChatGPT to give me a similar list for fathers, and here is what I got:
1. Love and Affection: Fathers often love their children deeply and express their affection in their own unique ways.
2. Provider: Many fathers take on the role of providing for their family, whether financially, emotionally, or in other ways.
3. Protector: Fathers frequently take on a protective role, ensuring the safety and well-being of their children.
4. Role Model: Fathers often serve as role models, teaching their children important values, ethics, and life skills through their actions and guidance.
5. Supportive: They offer emotional support and encouragement to help their children pursue their interests and goals.
6. Playful: Fathers often engage in playful activities with their children, fostering bonding and creating happy memories.
7. Discipline: While discipline styles may vary, many fathers are involved in setting boundaries and teaching their children about responsibility and consequences.
8. Mentorship: Fathers may mentor and guide their children in various aspects of life, including education, career choices, and personal development.
9. Problem Solver: Fathers often take on the role of problem solvers, helping their children navigate challenges and find solutions.
10. Time and Presence: Spending quality time and being present in their children's lives is a common attribute of many fathers, strengthening their relationships.
ChatGPT did point out that both fathers and mothers are diverse in their parenting approaches, and the attributes they exhibit can vary widely from one individual to another. It also clarified, “Parenting roles and responsibilities are increasingly shared between parents, and the specific attributes each parent brings to the family dynamic can be unique and complementary.” Which I appreciated.
So again, because ChatGPT is really an incredibly well-run predictive text model, which means it’s not producing original thought, or even giving you specific results, but instead it’s just trained to predict the next word in a given sequence, it’s not all-encompassing. It’s just a nice starting point to see what we collectively think about mothers and mothering.
So what do we think? We expect mothers to be nurturing, empathetic, patient teachers, adaptable and good at multi-tasking, while we expect fathers to be mentors, protectors, playful, and responsible for discipline and problem solving.
Because when we’re talking about mothers and fathers, we’re attaching certain gender stereotypes to these roles. We expect mothers to be nurturing, empathetic, patient teachers, adaptable and good at multi-tasking, because that’s what we expect of women.
Interestingly, when I asked ChatGPT to give me a list of attributes shared by all women, here’s what I got: “It's important to recognize that there are no attributes that all women share, as women, like any other group of individuals, are incredibly diverse and unique. Attempting to generalize or stereotype all women based on common attributes would not be accurate or fair.” Because we recognize that not all women are the same; not all women are nurturing, empathetic, or patient. But we also know that women have been SOCIALIZED to behave that way, and so by extension, we expect these mothers to exhibit these same qualities.
Now there are obviously many other people who take on the work of nurturing and raising children who do not consider themselves “mothers.” This can include biological parents who don’t identify with the word mother, adoptive or step mothers who question whether they count as a “real” mother, and of course it can include fathers, and people like grandparents, aunties, family friends. These are all people who are raising and loving children but don’t take the word “mother.” And this is where I think the language of mothering as a verb will come in handy, because it’s easier to understand mothering as an inclusive term that anyone can engage in, and it helps expand the concept of caregiving beyond even the biological parents.
Mothering vs motherhood
Mothering is a verb, it is a daily action that encompasses all the emotional labor, bedtime stories, care, love, feeding, and comforting that comes with raising a child. Mothering can be an incredibly profound and empowering experience, and anyone who participates in raising children can tap into this experience.
Sara Ruddick, who was a feminist philosopher who wrote about mothering, argued that mothering is a conscious activity that calls for choices, daily decisions and a continuing, alert reflectiveness, and she advanced a view of mothering as active, ethical and engaged with the world.
When I think of all my favorite parts about being a mom, it falls under mothering - I love watching my kids play and hearing them laugh, I love cuddling them during family movies, I love teaching them how to be good humans and sharing my values with them; these are some of the actions of mothering. And I don’t want to be naive and unrealistic here - there are plenty of parts of mothering that are hard and unpleasant. Mothering toddlers can be maddening, I remember having ridiculous arguments with whichever child was 3 years old that the red cup and the blue cup are exactly the same. Or getting triggered by my children bickering and fighting with each other. Or watching in exasperation as a child flops and moans and sobs on the floor because they don’t want to finish two math problems. Mothering isn’t all roses and sunshine, but even the hard parts feel meaningful and purposeful to me because I know they’re helping me to become a better version of myself…like more patient, or more willing to let shit go. And I can see how my actions are helping to shape my children.
But the action of mothering is different from the institution of motherhood, and this is an important distinction.
When I think of other parts about being a mom that I dislike, like my own guilt and shame when I feel like I’m not living up to some impossible ideal of what it means to be a good mom, the endless, repetitive tasks of laundry and dishes and housework that end up primarily my responsibility because I’m the parent who stays home, or the feeling that I’ve sacrificed my career, my body, my relationships, my priorities and dreams, and my mental health ever since I became a mother. These all fall under the institution of motherhood. You can think of motherhood as different from mothering because while mothering is the action of nurturing and raising a child, motherhood is all the cultural norms, the rules and expectations that shape my experience as a mother. Motherhood is an institution and mothering is an act of empowerment.
Adrienne Rich first clarified the distinction between the experience of mothering and the institution of motherhood in her book, Of Woman Born. Dr. Andrea O’Reilly further expanded upon this idea in her book Matricentric Feminism, when she explained that “the term ‘motherhood’ refers to the patriarchal institution of motherhood, which is male defined and controlled and is deeply oppressive to women, whereas the word ‘mothering’ refers to women’s experiences of mothering, is female defined and centered and potentially empowering to women” (O’Reilly, 2016, p. 16). Now, there’s a lot of gender binaries in these descriptions that I don’t want to get hung up on, we know that much of what it means to be a woman is socially constructed, and it’s the same thing with motherhood. Claims about what makes a “real man” or a “real woman” are basically rules that we perform gender in socially constructed ways. What makes a “real woman” is intended to keep us in line with these gender binaries and normative ideals. Similarly, what makes a mother a “real mom” or a “good mom” has similar rules about femininity, and is often also racialized and class-coded.
The institution of motherhood is a socially constructed system, it’s a human built system that generates the devaluation of caring for children, creates the endless tasks of mothering in isolation, it forms the impossible standards of what it means to be a “good” mother, and ensures the incompatibility between waged work and unpaid motherwork, all of which leaves mothers exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling like they just can’t win.
Why is it critical to separate the experience of mothering with the institution of motherhood?
Because it gives us clearer language to use about our experiences. It's important to understand that they're separate because it allows us to enjoy the experience of mothering but also SEE the structure of motherhood as oppressive. It’s a yes/and situation: We can love our kids and we can love mothering even while we feel resentful and frustrated about motherhood.
With an understanding of this distinction we can also start to see how many of the social systems that shape modern motherhood are beyond the control of individual mothers. This can be very validating to women when they realize, "hey this thing I'm struggling with isn't my fault.” They can point to the stories and systems around us and see where these structural inequalities are making their experience harder.
So, to wrap this up, It is through open and inclusive dialogues that we can challenge stereotypes, address issues like maternal mental health, work towards more equitable parenting roles, and recognize the diverse experiences of mothers from different backgrounds. By fostering a nuanced and empathetic conversation about motherhood, we can create a more supportive and inclusive society that respects and values the contributions of all mothers, acknowledging that motherhood takes various forms and is a profoundly personal journey for each individual.
In conclusion, the language of motherhood is complex and multifaceted, carrying with it societal expectations, gender stereotypes, and cultural norms that shape the experiences of those who take on the role of mothering. We've explored the distinction between mothering, as an active and empowering act of nurturing and raising children, and motherhood, as the socially constructed institution laden with oppressive expectations and standards. By recognizing this division, we gain clarity in discussing our experiences as mothers, allowing us to both embrace the joys of mothering and critique the structures of motherhood. It is crucial to understand that the challenges and inequalities faced by mothers are not solely individual burdens but are deeply embedded in the broader systems that govern our society. Once we have this shared vocabulary and a more nuanced understanding of motherhood, we can work towards dismantling these oppressive structures and creating a more equitable and supportive world.
