Rebel Mothers

Podcast: Partnership Families

Hello! In today’s episode of Rebel Mothers, we’ll be discussing Riane Eisler’s work around dominator societies and partnership societies and how we can apply these models to our own families. I love the partnership family model because it identifies the root problem inherent in all the systems of oppression, which is that they are all systems of domination, and offers actual solutions and ideals instead of critiques. Sometimes all the topics I cover, like patriarchy and white supremacy, seem so big, so entrenched that it feels like it will be impossible to overcome. (Which is really convenient for these structures, isn’t it?) But when I’m able to create actionable tasks for my own family, I feel like I’m actually affecting change. And taking inspiration from the partnership family model is a really effective way to get started!

Today I’ll cover what the difference between dominator and partnership societies and family models are. I’ll give specific examples for each, and then we’ll talk about actions you can take to start living in a partnership family today.

So what is a dominator and partnership society? Again, this work comes from the brilliant Riane Eisler, who is the author of books like Chalice and the Blade, The Real Wealth of Nations, Tomorrow’s Children, and many more. On a personal note, Chalice and the Blade is probably one of my top 10 most transformational books I’ve ever read. She is the president of the Center for Partnership Systems, and a lot of the information I’m going to present today comes from their website, which I’ll link in the show notes.

Eisler describes a spectrum of behaviors in dominator & partnership societies, which is also a helpful visual because, as we know, nothing is truly binary or black and white, there is always a range. So as Eisler explains it, Dominator systems look like an authoritarian structure of ranking and hierarchies of domination in family, economics, and society. This shows up in the family where children grow up in authoritarian, punitive, often male-dominated families where they observe and experience inequity as the norm. It can include relationships with High degree of fear and violence, from child- and wife- beating to abuse by “superiors” in families, workplaces, and society as required to maintain rankings of domination. Dominator societies insist on Rigid, binary gender stereotypes, with “masculine” traits and activities such as toughness and conquest ranked over “feminine” ones such as caregiving and nonviolence in all people and in social and economic policy, and they have Beliefs and tell stories that justify, idealize, and normalize domination and violence.

On the other end of the spectrum, partnership societies look like Democratic structures and hierarchies of actualization that empower rather than disempower. Caring and carework is economically valued. Egalitarian and equitable adult relations are the norm. Parenting is not authoritarian but authoritative and non-violent. There is a Low degree of fear, abuse, and violence in relationships, as they are not needed to maintain top-down rankings, and there is universal Respect for diversity and human rights. Instead of insisting on a rigid binary, partnership societies celebrate Fluid, nonbinary gender roles, so that difference is not equated with superiority vs inferiority or dominating vs being dominated. This inclusive, equitable view of differences in our species provides a model for relations not based on in-group vs. out-group thinking. There is a High value placed on empathy, caring, caregiving, and nonviolence in all people as well as in social and economic policy. And finally, the stories and narratives we have in a partnership society recognize our human capacities for negative behaviors but emphasize empathic, mutually beneficial, nonviolent relations and present them as normal, moral, and desirable.

Doesn’t that sound nice??
Historical precedent & societies

Eisler didn’t create these societies out of thin air, nothing about them is fantastical or imaginary. She roots her work in societies that exist today, and also existed thousands of years ago. Her book Chalice and the Blade tracks the movement from originally existing partnership societies to the dominator societies we too often see today. Eisler draws evidence from archaeology, mythology, art, religion, and sculpture that strongly suggests that humans lived in relative peace and harmony, with gender-and-class equality, worshiping nature as a female deity, until only around 6,500 years ago. It was then, according to archaeologist Marija Gimbutas and other researchers, that dominator culture took over, spreading west and south from Eastern Europe, eventually conquering most of the planet.

Now, Eisler is clear that No society is a pure domination or partnership system; it is always a matter of degree, depending on where a society falls on the partnership-domination social scale. We’re very used to thinking social categories fall into binaries, like Republican or Democrat, Eastern or Western, male or female, black or white. But as we know, even these binaries aren’t accurate. There is a spectrum to be found in all of them. So there is no society that exists today, or has existed historically, that falls into one or the other.

But there are examples we can look to for both. Looking at recent repressive and violent societies – whether it’s secular like Hitler’s rightist Germany, Stalin’s leftist USSR, and leftist North Korea or fundamentalist religious cultures like the Taliban, ISIS, and other fundamentalist religious cultures - even though these cultures are wildly different from each other, in all these societies they share ideal norms in both family and state for top-down authoritarian rule, a high degree of abuse and violence, and rigid male dominance.

Contrast that to examples of partnership societies, and some Contemporary examples include indigenous societies such as the Indonesian Minangkabau and the Chinese Mouso, both of which are matrilineal, from one side of the technological spectrum and technologically advanced societies such as Sweden, Finland, and Norway, who consistently top lists of gender equality, happiness and health of their citizens.

Why do I like this model
Partnership and domination systems are holistic categories that encompass all facets of human existence and pay particular attention to findings from neuroscience showing the impact of what children experience and observe on brain development, and therefore on how we think, feel, and act, including how we vote when we grow up to be adults.

Often in my feminist world I hear things like, “smash the patriarchy! Burn the systems to the ground!” but doesn’t continue on to address the follow up question, which is…”what comes next?” It’s really easy to criticize the existing systems, it’s much harder to offer a blueprint on how we actually go about shaping the society we want to see. What I love about Eisler’s work is that she actually is offering a blueprint.

Eisler’s work explores four essential and interconnected cornerstones for shifting away from the legacy of domination and build the Partnership Systems needed to support human thriving and the survival of our planet. The four cornerstones are:
Family and Childhood Relations
Gender Relations
Economic Relations
Narratives and Language

Today I’m going to focus on family and childhood relations, but really all of these cornerstones are important.
Dominator and partnership families
So let’s take a look at how the dominator and partnership models can be applied to family structures.

Eisler stressed the importance of a partnership family model in her book The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring Economics. She says, quote, “partnership families are of particular importance in determining whether the institutions of a society are authoritarian and inequitable or democratic and equitable” end quote. She went on to describe that they are not totally democratic; parents are still responsible for making important decisions and creating limits and expectations. “from the start, children are respected in partnership family structures, and their caregivers are attuned to their needs and wants”
Differences in hierarchy
Before I get into actions you can take to nurture a partnership family model in your own home, I want to provide some context and definition for two terms I’m going to use, again based on Eisler’s work, that she calls hierarchies of actualization and hierarchies of domination. Hierarchies aren’t inherently dominator-organized, but they can be. Hierarchies of domination reinforce the dominator system, where those on top control those below them. There are only two modes of relating to people, you’re either being dominated, or you’re dominating. Hierarchies of domination can be found in families, workplaces, or society at large. Economic policies in this system are designed to benefit those on top at the expense of those on the bottom. The whole system is held together by fear and force.

In a partnership society, you’ll find hierarchies of actualization. In this system, people at all levels work together with mutual respect and support. More experienced, wiser, and skilled persons can help less experienced and skilled persons acquire capacities they initially lack. Leaders and managers inspire and empower rather than control and disempower. Economic policies are set up to support and prioritize that which supports and advances human survival and development, including creativity, caring, empathy, concern for human welfare and the environment.

So hopefully you can start to see how this model, a hierarchy of actualization, put into practice in a family is in direct opposition to the traditional patriarchal nuclear family model where the father is at the head of the household and responsible for making family decisions.
Actions you can take

Let’s start discussing specifically what a partnership family model with hierarchies of actualization would look like.

First of all, a partnership family is one that is democratic and egalitarian. And I realize that initially this sounds like a disaster - we have 3 children, so if it came to a democratic vote on whether we’re going to eat a veggie lasagna or ice cream for dinner, my husband and I would be outvoted. So it’s not a democracy like what you’re thinking. In a partnership family, parents are still responsible for children, but they employ the hierarchy of actualization, and their actions and decisions are based on supporting and empowering the family, not controlling through fear, punishment, or domination. Parents have to make important decisions for children, guide them, teach them limits and expectations. But all members of the family are considered of equal worth. Children are respected in a partnership family, and their parents and caregivers are attuned to their needs and wants. As they grow older, they’re encouraged to take on more responsibility and think for themselves.

Let’s put this in practice - let’s say my teenage son wants to pick up another sport but he is already doing two after school activities. A dominator family structure might have a parent say, “of course he can do the sport, he’s the oldest and a boy and we need to make sure he grows up to be a strong leader and sports can teach him that,” or maybe say, “no, you can’t do that sport, there’s too much on the family calendar and we just don’t have the time.” A partnership family might sound like this, “that’s a great idea, I know how much you love to try new things, and I can tell this feels important to you. We have already committed to a lot of activities as a family though. Let’s talk at dinner tonight about it and see if we can come to a solution.” Then all members of the family can discuss and be heard - if another sibling is feeling like the oldest is already getting too much time, they can comfortably bring that up without fearing getting yelled at or shut down. If the family decides that there’s just too much going on and the oldest kid feels really disappointed about not getting to do the sport, those feelings are gently acknowledged and validated, and space is given for him to express those feelings without being told to stop whining and be grateful for what he has.

Another core component is equal partnership between men and women. Of course, not all families have a male and female head of house, but whatever your family structure, roles and responsibilities for maintaining the house and caring for each other are shared equally. All men and women who are members of the household carry the children, nurture them, encourage them, show them empathy and kindness, and practice gentle communication. There is no ranking or priority given to members of the house who work for pay outside the home. Everyone’s talents are celebrated.

Ok, so this in practice might look like the family taking the seemingly endless list of household tasks and instead of assuming that mom is going to take everything, they divide it up so everyone feels fair about it. Children are included to model equality, and also to encourage responsibility and independence. If other adults live nearby and can help out, let’s say grandpa can pick the kids up from school, and Aunt sarah, who is actually mom’s friend from work, can take the kids out to a fun activity on the weekend. Maybe the oldest child is asked to help cook dinner occasionally, and the youngest is responsible for emptying the dishwasher, regardless of their gender.

And finally, a partnership family prioritizes beliefs and stories that offer a balanced and positive view of human nature. Stories of cruelty, violence, and oppression are recognized as human possibilities, but they’re not considered inevitable to human nature or something that’s ordained by a higher power. Cultural values and beliefs support empathic and mutually respectful relations. The family invests more in positive human motivations instead of negative. Creativity is encouraged, and there is conscious inclusion of partnership themed stories, myths, and religious texts that include a divine feminine as equally as important as a divine masculine.

In practice, this might look like looking through the books and movies your family watches or If you are a religious family and consistently attend church, you may want to examine the stories your children hear and the beliefs they are taught and discuss, your family, why these choices may or may not be appropriate to the values of a partnership family.

One of the workshops I run is called the Revolutionary Mothering Manifesto, which helps mothers identify their family values and clearly state an intention and commitment to shifting to a partnership family model, which helps to affect change in the institution of motherhood as a whole.

And I want to address something that is brought up to me occasionally, especially since I use the words “mother and mothering” instead of “parent and parenting.” If we are attempting to create a partnership family model, shouldn’t both parents, or perhaps the entire family, have a say in creating a manifesto? Why am I placing such an emphasis on the mother? Doesn’t that just reinforce gender binaries and old stereotypes about the uninvolved father?

Trust me when I say I think about this all. The. time, and my answer will probably continuously evolve. But I always go back to a few key points. Adrienne Rich reminded us of the importance of the mother in upholding cultural systems of domination when she wrote, quote “Certainly the mother serves the interest of patriarchy: she exemplifies in one person religion, social conscience, and nationalism. Institutional motherhood revives and renews all other institutions” Women are still the primary, or even sole, providers of nutrition, health, and care for children in most of the world. Mothers have an enormous influence on the children and the family, so one way to improve the experiences of mothering is to have the mother intentionally model a partnership family. And as with other oppressive systems, the impetus for change often lies first with the one oppressed. Indeed, if the mother is the one who creates the manifesto that changes the dynamic of the family in the home, that could be seen as an act of defiance to the system of patriarchy which places the expectation of leading the family directly onto the father.

I do believe that there is a place for the entire family to have a say in creating a Family Manifesto, a dedication to treat the family as a micro-community in which all individuals participate, but I think it is still worthwhile to have the mother lead the way in the revolution from the home with a manifesto. And at the end of the day, I am a mother and since it’s the role I’m most familiar with, I’m going to speak from a place of authority in that role.

Now there are a few more resources I want to mention, and I’ll link them in the show notes. First off is the Caring and Connected Parent Guide, which is published by The Center for Partnership Systems. It's a short, really accessible handbook to guide Partnership parenting in the early years, from birth to age 4, and it offers very clear and helpful actions both parents can take in connecting with their little one to help nurture a lifelong, healthy relationship. I found a lot of parallels in this guide to the work I was doing when I was holding infant massage education classes. We talked a lot in circle about the importance of loving touch that supports bonding and attachment.

Another resource is the 8C’s of a partnership family, created In 2015, by Julie de Azevedo Hanks. Based on Riane Eisler's Cultural Transformation Theory, Hanks takes partnership principles and brings them home by providing a practical framework for transforming families. She organized them into 8C’s: Cooperative ADULT Leadership, Connecting Orientation, Caretaking Emphasis, Collaborative Roles and Rules, Celebration of Masculine and Feminine Contributions, Compassionate Communication, Conscious Language Usage, and Creation and Collection of Partnership Stories. I’ll link to a handy PDF in the shownotes that describe the features for each of these, but just to detail a few, the Partnership Model of Family Organization includes behaviors like mutual decision making, caring is highly valued with all members participating in caring, fluidity in gender expectations, so an integration of the so-called "masculine" and "feminine" in each individual, peaceful communication skills, conscious inclusion of partnership themed stories, encouragement of creativity as daily practice and so on. It’s really quite inspiring and I encourage you to check it out in more detail.

Partnership family in the world
Besides helping your own family become more caring and empathetic and a model of the society we want to build, creating a partnership family at home has even bigger effects out into the world. Studies show that early childhood experiences and observations strongly affect the kinds of citizens we become and the kinds of leaders we choose. Brains shaped by domination-parenting tend to prefer authoritarian leaders who wield power over others in the top-down, fear-based ways they experienced in childhood. By contrast, brains shaped by partnership parenting are drawn to leaders who empower others and champion peace, justice, and enabling people to develop fully and contribute to the common good. Healthy democracy requires citizens who empathize with others, see issues from more than one angle, and conceptualize relationships of interdependence and mutuality. These capacities are fostered by partnership parenting.

Additionally, Domination-style parenting causes childhood stresses that often lead to behavioral, cognitive, emotional, and physical health issues that are enormously costly to society. Domination-style parenting has also been linked to violence and all its economic and social costs, as children act out the dynamics of abuse and power-over normalized in domination system families. Children raised in domination-system families are not well-prepared to take on the jobs available in our 21st century economy. The age of robotics and AI requires uniquely human capacities: care and empathy, creativity, teamwork, and appreciation for diversity.

A partnership family can also help address racism. Racism is clearly a dominator style form of oppression, where people with lighter skin receive benefits and privileges that people with darker skin do not, in fact these privileges often come at the expense of people of color. Patricia Hill Collins illustrated how the ideal of the nuclear family is used to maintain white supremacy:

Quote: Racial ideologies that portray people of color as intellectually underdeveloped, uncivilized children require parallel ideas that construct Whites as intellectually mature, civilized adults. When applied to race, family rhetoric that deems adults more developed than children, and thus entitled to greater power, uses naturalized ideas about age and authority to legitimate racial hierarchy.

The partnership family’s emphasis on egalitarianism, caring and empathy is incompatible with a racist mindset.

Conclusion

So to wrap this up, In today's episode of Rebel Mothers, we explored Riane Eisler's groundbreaking concepts of dominator and partnership societies, and applied them to our own families. Eisler's work goes beyond critiquing oppressive systems; it offers actionable solutions that empower us to instigate genuine change, even within our family units.

We talked about the distinctions between dominator and partnership societies, recognizing the power of partnership values like equality, care, and empathy. By embracing Eisler's vision of partnership families, where respect, shared responsibilities, and nurturing autonomy prevail, we can contribute to a brighter future, fostering a society where compassion and equality are the guiding principles. This transformation starts within our homes, but its ripple effects extend far beyond, shaping the world we aspire to create.