Radical Mother Love
Hello! Everywhere you look right now there are reminders that this week is Valentine’s Day, a hyped-up and over commercialized celebration of romantic love. But since this podcast is all about motherhood, I want to take today to talk about the romanticized or idealized narrative of a mother’s love, and then introduce the idea that a mother’s love can be revolutionary by challenging norms, embracing diversity, and fostering inclusivity. You’ll see, especially as we get closer to Mother’s Day, that the traditional narrative of a mother’s love can be presented as super saccharine and sentimental and if you google this phrase “a mother’s love” it comes back with some very similar images of white moms holding white babies and everyone is smiling and everything seems sort of soft and magical. But those of us who are mothers know that our love for our children is maybe sometimes soft and magical, but it’s also messy and fierce and often outside of what could be considered normative motherhood.
So today I want to talk about a few things that go beyond the image of conventional mother love into mother love that is inclusive and radical. Number 1, expanding the definition of motherhood beyond the normative mother, and expanding the definition of family beyond the nuclear family. We’ll do this by exploring the intersectionality of motherhood and discussing how factors like race, class, and sexuality influence the experience, also looking at chosen families and non-biological or “other” mothers, and really celebrate all the ways in which diverse motherhood narratives contribute to a richer definition of what it means to be a mother.
And number 2 I want to talk about the experience of mother love itself and how we need to include all the messiness and contradictions and ambivalence and disappointment and joy when we think about what it means to be a mother who loves her children, especially when our families don’t look like the hallmark version. So that way when the reality of motherhood hits us, it doesn’t make us feel like we are less than or failing in some way. At the risk of sounding like a cheesy quote, I really do think that a mother’s love is one of the most life-affirming, powerful, nourishing and meaningful things we can give and receive as humans. But it’s a tragic fact that there are children out there who are not receiving the unconditional love and support from their own mother that they should be receiving. Maybe they’re questioning their gender or sexuality or beliefs and values, and I think if there were more stories out there representing a broader spectrum of what a mother looks like, and what families look like, there would be more resources out there for mothers who want to support and love their child but maybe don’t know how.
Ok, so let’s get going! First let’s start by expanding the definition of motherhood and a mother herself.
Expanding the definition of motherhood
What does a mother look like? In her research, motherhood scholar Andrea O’Reilly describes for us the normative image of a mother as a, quote, “white, middle class, able-bodied, thirty-something, heterosexual married women who raises her biological children in a nuclear family, usually as a stay-at-home-mother.” end quote.
Um…hi. Yes, that’s an exact description of me as a mother. Well, I'm forty-something now, but other than that, I literally embody the definition of normative motherhood. This is the image of a mom you see in commercials, on sitcoms, in stock photos, etc.
But let’s take a look at some of the numbers. Here are some data points about motherhood in the US:
In 2022 there were about 53 million white families living in the US, compared to 30.18 million non white (including black, hispanic, and asian), which means about 37% of families are non-white
18 million children live with a single parent, about 80% of those parents are single moms
There are about 4.4 million parents who have a disability
191,000 children live with same-sex parents.
I couldn’t find any data on how many parents identify as transgender, only that about 1.03%, or 2.6 million Americans, are transgender.
12.4% of children live in poverty
146,973 children were born to a teenage mother
So I think it’s safe to say that there are millions of mothers in the US who do not fit this normative mold. We know that diverse representation matters, so for those of us who are creating and doing work around supporting mothers, we absolutely need to be inclusive of everyone who identifies as doing mother work.
Nuclear family
And not only do we have this preconceived, normative ideal of what a mother looks like, we have a standard family structure that is upheld as primary - the nuclear family. The nuclear family structure, with one husband and one wife and their children, emerged as a predominant family structure in the West during the 19th and 20th centuries, largely due to socio-economic shifts brought about by industrialization. Before this, extended families, where multiple generations lived together or in close proximity, were more common.
Industrialization led to urbanization, and as people moved to cities in search of work, the nuclear family became more practical. It typically consisted of parents and their children living together in a separate household, often away from the extended family.
But the ideal of the nuclear family has often been criticized for upholding heteronormative and capitalist ideologies. Since it propagated the notion that a "traditional" family consisted of a heterosexual couple and their biological children, families that didn’t fit this mold were ostracized. LGBTQ+ families, single parent families, multi-generational households, multiple single mothers raising all their children in one house - few of these families could find representation for their needs.
Moreover, the idealization of nuclear family model has been linked to capitalist interests. It encouraged the idea of self-sufficiency within the family unit, which could lead to increased consumerism as each family was expected to have its own home, appliances, and possessions. So instead of communally shared household items, each little house has a ladder or lawn mower or crock pot that they use only occasionally. This consumer-driven approach has for sure benefited capitalist economies.
In Patricia Hill Collins’ essay, “It's All In the Family: Intersections of Gender, Race, and Nation” she describes six elements of the idealized family and how each of them affect the views of gender, race and national identity in the US. The six elements include manufactured hierarchy, home space, blood ties, rights and responsibilities, inheritance and social class, and family planning. It’s a great essay, and I won’t be able to cover the whole thing here, but basically Collins explains how the traditional fa mily upholds patriarchy, ageism, heteronormativity and white supremacy. quote
“Racial ideologies that portray people of color as intellectually underdeveloped, uncivilized children require parallel ideas that construct Whites as intellectually mature, civilized adults. When applied to race, family rhetoric that deems adults more developed than children, and thus entitled to greater power, uses naturalized ideas about age and authority to legitimate racial hierarchy” End quote
Collins presented a compelling argument for the ways in which the normative ideal of the nuclear family continues to cause harm in society, especially around patriarchy and white supremacy, but that is not to say that a nuclear family arrangement must always result in a dominator-style family model.
I want to note that these criticisms don't negate the value of nuclear families for some individuals. My own family is in a nuclear family structure, and while I wish my extended family could come live with us and we could all help each other, for the most part this model works for us. Families come in various forms, and what's most important is supporting diverse family structures and dismantling the stereotypes and expectations associated with the nuclear family ideal so that all types of families and living arrangements are welcomed and supported.
Maternal ambivalence
Because it's essential to recognize that the nuclear family model, with its emphasis on a specific family structure and roles, can play a significant role in shaping maternal experiences. The expectations and pressures associated with the nuclear family ideal can contribute to this ideal of a perfect mother, and then when individual mothers don’t have their magical, made-for-tv mothering moments, they can experience something called maternal ambivalence. Maternal ambivalence is a pretty complex and misunderstood concept. Maternal ambivalence refers to the simultaneous experience of conflicting emotions that mothers may feel towards their roles as caregivers and parents. On one hand, mothers may deeply love and care for their children, finding immense joy and fulfillment in motherhood. On the other hand, they may also experience moments of doubt, frustration, guilt, or even resentment due to the demands and challenges of parenting. And they can feel these things in waves, or even overlapping and at the same time. How many times have you struggled through bedtime, fighting off impatience and frustration and exhaustion and felt resentful and annoyed at your children only to stare at them lovingly moments after they finally fall asleep and you feel like your heart will burst at the sight of their little eyelashes resting peacefully on your cheeks? It’s enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught on a seesaw of emotions!
Maternal ambivalence acknowledges that motherhood is not a one-dimensional experience; it's a nuanced journey filled with both positive and negative emotions. It's helpful for mothers to have this framework and language to destigmatize these conflicting feelings and recognize that they are entirely normal. Understanding that maternal ambivalence is totally normal and every mother feels like this challenges the unrealistic expectation that mothers should always be selflessly happy and fulfilled in their roles. Embracing and discussing these complex emotions can lead to a more open and supportive conversation about motherhood and ultimately help mothers navigate their roles with greater understanding and self-compassion.
Ok, so now let’s move to the main topic of this episode - the idea of radical mother love.
Radical mother love
Radical mother love is a transformative concept that goes beyond conventional notions of motherly care and affection. It really embodies a deep commitment to nurturing, advocating for, and fiercely protecting the well-being of one's children and the broader community. Radical mother love recognizes that love alone is not enough; it involves actively challenging oppressive systems and working toward social justice and equality to create a better world for future generations.
Examples of radical mother love can be found in the tireless efforts of activists and advocates who are also mothers. They passionately fight against racial injustice, gender inequality, environmental degradation, and other societal ills, all while nurturing and supporting their own children. For instance, Dolores Huerta, prominent labor leader and civil rights activist who co-founded the United Farm Workers (UFW) union alongside Cesar Chavez, is the mother of 11 children and a grandmother to many. Huerta's journey into activism was deeply influenced by her experiences as a mother.
As a farmworker herself, Dolores Huerta witnessed the harsh working conditions and exploitation faced by agricultural laborers. She recognized that these conditions not only affected her but also her children and other families in similar situations. Driven by her maternal instincts and a fierce desire for justice, she became a tireless advocate for farmworkers' rights, better wages, and improved living conditions.
In everyday life, radical mother love can be seen in mothers who raise their children to be compassionate, socially conscious individuals, teaching them to stand up for justice and equity. It can also be witnessed in mothers who actively engage in community organizing, volunteering, and grassroots movements to create a more inclusive and equitable society for all children, not just their own.
Shannon Watts, the founder of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, epitomizes the concept of radical mother love. As a mother of five, she was deeply affected by the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012 and felt compelled to take action. Watts founded Moms Demand Action, a grassroots movement dedicated to advocating for common-sense gun control measures and promoting gun safety. Her journey from being a concerned mother to a prominent activist showcases the transformative power of maternal love.
I’m going to do a future episode dedicated to maternal activism, but it’s inextricably linked with this idea of radical mother love. One example of maternal activism that stemmed from radical mother love is the Free Mom Hugs movement. Founded by Sara Cunningham, a mother herself, this grassroots movement emerged as a response to the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly those who have been rejected by their families due to their sexual orientation or gender identity. Through "Free Mom Hugs," mothers and allies offer unconditional love and acceptance to LGBTQ+ individuals, providing the affection and support that some may have been denied by their own families. This initiative not only shows the transformative impact of a mother's love but also actively challenges societal prejudices and discrimination. It exemplifies the spirit of radical mother love by advocating for love, inclusion, and acceptance as fundamental rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
And this ties back to our earlier discussion about the idealization of the nuclear family and the harm that ideal can inflict. Children and teens who are navigating questions of identity and sexuality are at a higher risk for self-harm and suicide than their cis-gender, heterosexual peers. The Trevor Project estimates that more than 1.8 million LGBTQ+ young people (ages 13-24) seriously consider suicide each year in the U.S. — and at least one attempts suicide every 45 seconds.
Radical mother love takes on an even more profound dimension when it comes to parenting a child who identifies as LGBTQ, especially now. In these situations, mothers who embrace radical mother love not only nurture their children but also champion their uniqueness and advocate fiercely for their rights and acceptance. They understand that love means celebrating their child for who they are. And they recognize that loving their child means actively challenging societal norms and prejudices, creating a safe and inclusive environment for their children to flourish.
Mothers of color embody radical mother love in their unwavering commitment to nurturing and protecting their children within the context of systemic inequalities and racial injustices. Their love extends far beyond the conventional boundaries of motherhood, as they are often called to be fierce advocates for their children's rights and well-being in a world that can be hostile and discriminatory. These mothers navigate the challenges of raising their children while simultaneously confronting racial biases, unequal access to resources, and the need to prepare their children for a society that may not always treat them fairly. They serve as powerful role models for radical mother love, demonstrating the strength and courage required to navigate a world where love is not just an emotion but a catalyst for social change and justice.
If you’re looking for a great book to read on the topic of radical mother love, I highly recommend "Revolutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Lines" edited by Alexis Pauline Gumbs, China Martens, and Mai'a Williams. This book is a powerful exploration of motherhood, activism, and love in the face of systemic challenges. The editors selected a rich diversity of voices, including mothers of color, queer mothers, and mothers with disabilities, which offers many different experiences and perspectives. The book is all about the complexities of motherhood, celebrating the fact that love is at the heart of social justice movements and that mothers have been at the forefront of these struggles throughout history. It's a compelling and essential read for anyone interested in understanding the intersection of motherhood, activism, and radical love.
Another example of radical mother love can be found in people who might not be considered mothers at all but are absolutely mothering children. Chosen families, consisting of individuals who may not share a biological connection but have forged deep emotional bonds, epitomize radical mother love. These families challenge the conventional notion that motherhood is solely defined by biology. A chosen mother, be it an aunt, a close friend, a godmother, or a mentor, offers unwavering support, guidance, and love to a child, often under circumstances where traditional family structures may not provide the necessary care. These chosen mothers fiercely advocate for the well-being and happiness of the children they nurture, transcending societal norms and embodying the radical love that is central to motherhood.
Non-biological mothers, like foster mothers, adoptive or step-mothers, and mothers in LGBTQ+ families, also exemplify the transformative power of maternal love that extends beyond genetic ties. In these families, mothers who may not share a biological connection with their children become advocates for love, acceptance, and inclusivity. They face societal prejudices and legal challenges but stand strong in their commitment to providing a nurturing and supportive environment. Non-biological mothers demonstrate that the essence of motherhood lies in the unconditional love and care they offer, challenging norms and fostering radical mother love that transcends biology and embraces diversity.
Look, ultimately, the point I want to get across here is the revolutionary power of radical mother love. Challenging traditional motherhood norms is an opportunity to challenge and dismantle larger systems of oppression.
Conclusion
So let’s start to wrap this episode up. Motherhood is multifaceted, marked by both tenderness and messiness, and often diverges from normative expectations. Our exploration of radical mother love today included two significant aspects. Firstly, we discussed the need to expand the definition of motherhood beyond the normative mother image. Motherhood is diverse and intersectional, influenced by factors like race, class, and sexuality. We celebrated the contributions of mothers from various backgrounds and highlighted the importance of inclusive narratives in redefining what it means to be a mother.
Secondly, we looked into the experience of mother love itself, acknowledging the concept of maternal ambivalence, which recognizes that motherhood is a nuanced journey filled with a spectrum of emotions. This understanding challenges the unrealistic expectation that mothers should always be selflessly happy and fulfilled in their roles and encourages a more open and supportive conversation about motherhood.
And finally, we talked about how challenging traditional motherhood norms is an opportunity to challenge and dismantle oppression. The conventional image of motherhood has, unfortunately, been co-opted and manipulated by the intersecting forces of patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy. This idealized image often portrays motherhood as synonymous with self-sacrifice, domesticity, and conforming to a narrow set of roles and behaviors. This distorted narrative serves the interests of patriarchy by reinforcing traditional gender roles, where women are expected to prioritize caregiving above all else. Additionally, capitalism takes advantage of this image by promoting consumerism, encouraging mothers to buy products to meet societal expectations. White supremacy plays a role by perpetuating this image through limited representation, further marginalizing mothers of color and reinforcing harmful stereotypes.
Challenging these oppressive forces is essential to reclaiming motherhood as a diverse and inclusive experience that empowers all mothers to define their own paths and identities. By breaking free from these constraints and embracing a more inclusive and equitable approach to parenting, we not only empower mothers to reclaim their agency but also challenge the very foundations of these oppressive structures.
This episode has celebrated the diverse and multifaceted nature of motherhood while highlighting the transformative power of radical maternal love that challenges norms, embraces diversity, and fosters inclusivity. It's a reminder that mother love, in all its forms, is a potent force capable of driving positive change and shaping a more inclusive and equitable world for all children.
